Well, the kids are back in school now which is good and bad. Good because I'm able to catch up on some online work and computer work; bad because I miss them   Oh well, I'll get over it and before I know it 3:30 rolls around and they're driving me crazy, lol.

I'm going to be starting the DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) next week. Honestly, doesn't behavioral therapy sound like something a dog might go through? Or is that just my weird way of thinking? I've heard lots of good things about this, but we'll see. I go in for an assessment first and then start going to sessions the following week. There's also a group therapy that I'll need to go to. I'm hoping that they can both be squeezed into one day a week because the drive is over 90 miles round trip, plus the roads have been icy. So that gives me a couple more things to worry about.

We may be going to a basketball game at the university this weekend. I've never been to a college game but my kids want to go and it sounds like it should be fun. Last night my oldest son and I watched the Rose Bowl, awesome game!

I want to wish all of you who visit here, a very happy New Year!

A new year often symbolizes new beginnings, hence all the talk of new year's resolutions. But my advice, if you are making a list of resolutions, is to not set them too high and to not make too many.

I'll share some of my resolutions with you,

To try and remember to appreciate each day and all the little blessings that are tucked into so many moments.

To try and remember to not put myself down when I make mistakes, it only hurts myself which ends up hurting those around me.

To spend more time doing artwork

To have a little more control over my chocolate eating (just a little) I can't help it, I love m&m's!

Okay, that's about all I have as far as the resolutions. Things have been good around here. The kids only have 2 more days left of Christmas vacation, for which I'm somewhat saddened and also mildly relieved. I adore my kids but sometimes the together time gets to be a little much, lol.
But I have to share this with you; I took my oldest son (he's 16) to the movies just last week to see Walk the Line. It had been a long time since he and I had done something together, just the two of us. I liked the movie and had already seen it before but I was afraid he might get bored with it. But then, after the movie, he told me how much he liked it, and best of all he put his arm around me and said "thanks for taking me to the movies mom."
That really meant the world to me; he's such a great kid, they both are.
It's amazing the effect that words can have on people, just a simple thank you can bring happiness, especially when it comes from someone you love.

When I got to be older, like around 13 or 14, I can't remember my mom hitting me anymore. But she did something that was damaging to the psyche, if not to the body.
I could tell when it was about to happen, her classic venting technique. Her voice would begin to sound brittle and her jawline would harden. I could tell that whatever rage was simmering inside her was about to come out somehow and that any infraction on my part, real or imagined, would trigger the eruption of this rage.
I would try very hard to be particularly attentive to her when I saw her in this state of mind, asking if she needed any help, making sure that I made eye contact and talked in the proper respectful tone of voice. Never did it occur to me that it was impossible to please her when she was like this, or maybe it did occur to me at some level.
Nevertheless, I tenaciously plodded along the path of trying to appease and please.

Then, when I did do something that triggered her, when I managed to slip up some way, she would calmly tell me to sit down.
Her demeanor was so frightening to me, her eerie calm and her dreamy, detached tone of voice. It was as if my mom had disappeared and something sinister had taken her place.
After I sat down she would start in on the lecture, and the theme would depend on the infraction, not cleaning up after myself, not treating her respectfully, etc. Then as the lecture picked up speed her voice would grow in volume until it seemed to fill the room and bounce around inside my brain. She would stand over me like an enraged evangalist, shouting how I would amount to nothing, how lazy I was, how stupid, how weak. She would lean over me as she did this and I'd hunker down on the chair until finally I would start to cry. Then the rage in her would grow stronger, she would shout until I couldn't even hear the words, but her rage felt nearly palpable, wearing me down until I was emotionally beaten, sobbing, begging her to forgive me.

Then finally, she'd stop and when I'd look up at her I would see that her face looked peaceful and relieved. She'd given me her pain to carry for awhile and she was grateful that her burden was lightend.
In a sense I was relieved too, for her sake. I thought, in my mixed up way, that I was being a good daughter and helping out my mom; I thought that this was required of me.
But at the same time there was a part of me that was enraged and I buried this rage down deep inside, denying its presence until eventually it would erupt in me and that would usually be when I would self-harm or spiral downward into a deep depression. 

Mom never did understand that this was not a healthy way to deal with her rage, it only stopped happening to me because eventually I moved out. But her rage began to erupt in hateful phone calls from time to time and I dealt with that too, as best I could. I tried to be a good daughter. The times when I would urge her to get some help would end up with my words turned around on me, and I would be told that she had no problems, it was all me...just me. That hurt a lot and I would also begin to doubt myself even more, wondering if it was just all in my head or if I was creating the situation.

 Mom was an expert at this kind of dance and I couldn't keep up with her. I never could.

I really love this time of year, even though my moods have been going up and down lately. Oh well, I have so much to be thankful for, my hubby, our two wonderful sons, our health, etc.
My youngest son and I took a walk this afternoon, the day was glorious, a balmy breeze has been melting the snow, the sky was a deep azure blue with white and puffy white clouds.
When I got home I wrapped some of the kids presents. It's been a tough year money wise but we were able to get them some things I think they'll really like. This evening I baked some sugar cookies, it was a Pillsbury Christmas cookie kit and kind of fun to put together.

I hope that everyone who visits here has a Merry Christmas or whatever you happen to be celebrating. I'll probably be back posting right after Christmas so come back soon!